The Losers Skippy's List
by fierynightangel
Summary: A Skippy's List for The Losers. AN at top. Enjoy!


Haven't seen anything like this yet, so here it is. Have it posted on my lj too, here. Got a lot of this from .#cutid1, which is a Stargate Skippy's List. And here is a link to the orig. Which, of course, counts as well. Enjoy!

Losers Based Skippy's List

1 Jensen is not allowed to change the PA over to play the doom song for morning reveille.

2 Jensen is not allowed near the PA **ever.**

3 Clay's not allowed to date members of the artillery or explosive ordinances unit of any military or law enforcement branch

4 Pooch is never, under any circumstances, allowed to 'borrow' vehicles from superior officers on base.

5 Jensen is not allowed to tell new recruits that Cougar practices sharpshooting by picking off the stragglers during PT.

6 Roque is not allowed to actually use said recruits for any kind of target practice. Ever.

7 Clay is not allowed to pursue relations, of any kind, with anything remotely female while on mission.

8 No one is allowed to touch Cougar's hat, unless they are saving said hat from certain doom.

9 Roque is not allowed to use the phrases 'national security', 'classified information', 'black ops' or anything remotely similar to get his knives approved as carry-ons by the TSA.

10 All Losers will behave like responsible adults within sight and/or hearing distance of all team relatives under the age of 18. Violation of this rule will result, at MINIMUM banishment from the house in question and the withdrawing of any and all care packages, especially those including baked goods.

11 Jensen may not form a militia to defend Middle Earth.

12 Or any other country from books, movies, MMROPGs, comics, etc.

13 When setting charges or preparing to otherwise blow something or someone up it is not necessary to give the Holy Hand Grenade spiel in its entirety every time.

14 Jensen is not allowed stalk other team members using security/traffic cameras. Unless it's Clay and his female companion is questionable.

15 When the team is on base Jensen is not allowed to use said base's computer network to play online video games with other base personnel.

16 Clay is not allowed to ask anyone out until Jensen has run a full background check. If she has a criminal record or a history of mental instability Clay is not allowed within 100 ft. of her.

17 When not on an active mission, Roque is permitted to have no more than FIVE knives on his person at any given time.

18 We are not allowed to declare ourselves emperor of any country we find ourselves in.

19 Jensen is the only one to **ever** get decaf.

20 Being exceptionally annoying does not constitute a reason to tie someone up or in any way injure them.

21 Jensen is not allowed to sing 'We're off to see the Wizard' when boarding the plane for a mission.

22 Or when going to see anyone of a rank higher than him.

23 Clay is not a "Napoleonic Power Monger."

24 Roque is not a hell-fiend and I should stop telling new recruits that he is.

25 Jensen is not to refer to any electronic device as "My Precious."

26 No teaching noobs to say dirty or offensive phrases, in **any** language, under the guise of teaching them useful phrases.

27 Jensen is not allowed out of barracks when any sort of command other than the normal base command is on post.

27 If he is returning to post during said circumstances, he is not allowed back on until they leave.

28 No dancing in the briefing room.

29 Especially on the table.

30 A broadsword is not a standard issue weapon in the U.S. Military and I am not allowed to carry the aforementioned broadsword on any assigned mission. Unless the sword is required by my CO for said mission.

31 All reports are to be written in standard American English.

32 No napping on the Briefing Room table.

33 Especially during briefings.

34 I am not allowed to suggest bringing a young priest and an old priest on staff just in case.

35 A towel, no matter how useful, is not now nor will it ever be a part of any standard U.S. military uniform.

37 I am not the high priest of anything and should not tell anyone that I am.

38 I am not allowed to start a cult.

39 Submitting my reports in the form of paper airplanes tossed from the doorway of the General's office is always a bad idea.

40 I am not allowed to refer to any General as mom.

41 I am not allowed to start a Trivial Pursuit tournament amongst base personnel.

42 When asked a question by a superior officer I will not tell them the answer is 42.

43 I am not allowed to refer to anyone as 'schnookums.'

44 I should not accuse any teammates of stealing my mojo.

45 I am not allowed to bring two empty halves of coconuts with me on missions.

46 Poke it until it works is not a good course of action when dealing with technology.

47 Except when it works.

48 I am not allowed to ask anyone on base to choose "Cake or death?"

49 Nor am I allowed to ask anyone off base.

50 Or anyone of another country.

51 I am not allowed to make my own motivational posters and display them anywhere on base without General Coleman's or Colonel Clay's approval.

52 I should not assume all bombs, especially those of the nuclear variety, in need of defusing will have handily color-coded wires.

53 I should not question the paternity of anyone of a higher rank than me.

54 I am not authorized to start a nudist colony. **Any where.**

55 I am not allowed to question the sanity of the command staff…at least not where they can hear me.

56 I should not fake claustrophobia when the base goes on lock down.

57 I should not refer to Clay and Roque as the Wonder Twins…at least not where they can hear me.

58 Candy bars are not to be used as a negotiation tool…

59 If it makes me giggle for more than 30 seconds I should assume I am not allowed to do it.

60 If it makes me giggle for more than **15 **seconds I should assume I am not allowed to do it.

61 I should not ogle any team member, at least not when anyone is looking.

62 I am not allowed to organize an on base paintball tournament without notifying the base CO first.

63 I should not point out the insanity of any plans to save the day.

64 I am not allowed to have t-shirts made with rude or obnoxious sayings in **any** language.

65 I should not end reports from missions where we narrowly escaped with "And the animator suddenly had a fatal heart attack."

66 I am not allowed to refer to any mission locale as "the ass end of nowhere" in mission reports.

67 I am not allowed to ask "are we there yet?", no matter how long the trip is.

68 I am not allowed to impersonate a pirate at any coastal town.

69 I am not allowed to sign official government documents in sparkle pen.

70 I am not allowed impersonate any Star Trek, Star Gate, or Star Wars character while on duty.

71 I am not allowed to wear party hats on missions. Even if it is meant as a sign of good will.

72 There will be a formal reprimand if I eat all the pie before Roque gets any.

73 I am not allowed to bring stray animals back to keep as pets, no matter how cute they are.

74 I am not allowed to offer to pimp anyone's ride.

75 I am not authorized to fire any base personnel from life.

76 Especially not anyone with a higher rank than me.

77 I am not allowed to ask any base personnel or ally if they are a good witch or a bad witch.

78 No yodeling on missions or on base.

79 I am not allowed in the ventilation shafts.

80 When visiting jungles I am not allowed to swing from vines in the trees.

81 If it's crazy but works…it isn't crazy.

82 I am not allowed to refuse to have a physical examination pre- or post-mission.

83 I should not remind Jensen of the time Roque beat him at scrabble.

84 I may not resign from any military posting simply to make out with someone in my chain of command.

85 I am not allowed to stage any sort of musical anywhere on base.

86 I am not allowed to submit mission reports composed entirely of song lyrics.

87 I am not allowed to requisition large quantities of rubberbands to expand my rubberband ball.

88 I am not allowed to challenge the engineering department to build a better mousetrap…especially not while they are on duty.

89 I should not return from any mission drunk, hung over, or stoned without a very good reason.

90 "But everyone else was doing it," is not, generally speaking, a sufficiently good excuse.

91 "But insert tv show/movie is on tonight!" is not a legitimately good reason to request that a mission be postponed.

92 I am not allowed to teach less advanced cultures how to make explosives.

93 I am not allowed to buy anyone without clearance from mission and very serious extenuating circumstances.

94 I am not allowed to tell anyone who outranks me that I am disinclined to acquiesce to their request.

95 I should not do anything off base that I wouldn't want to explain to the infirmary staff.

96 I am not allowed to tell any culture we are negotiating trade with that our main form of trade currency is jelly beans or any other form of sweet.

97 I am not allowed to sell photos of anyone, especially of a higher rank, to the tabloids.

98 I am not, and will never be, allowed to attempt to shine Roque or Pooch's head, ever.

99 Leaving a trail of M&M's is not an appropriate way to mark a trail.

100 I am not allowed to choreograph explosions to pieces of classical music, especially the 1812 overture, and then hum along.

102 Nor am I allowed to use a baton to conduct the aforementioned explosions.

103 I am not allowed to tell others that I am not the me from this reality, that I am in fact the me from and alternate reality/parallel universe and that the me from this universe/reality is currently out picking up a pizza and that they should check back in a while if they need to talk to me about something.

104 Should I be arrested for any crime while on a mission, I am not allowed to claim that it was the one armed man…unless it really was.

105 I am not allowed to practice my ballroom dancing in the hallways.

106 However well it might work I am not allowed to lock bickering teammates in a bathroom until they can get along…At least not without permission from a CO.

107 I am not authorized to reassign base personnel simply because they are annoying.

108 I am not allowed to ask other base personnel if "These BDUs make my butt look big" and then begin crying no matter how they answer.

109 I am not allowed to incite other hackers into assisting me in attempting to take over the world.

110 I am not allowed to incite **anyone **into assisting me in attempting to take over the world.

111 I am not allowed to declare my religion as 'JEDI' on my military registration form.

112 Any sort of body paint does not qualify as the uniform or any part of it.

113 Except on a mission where it does/is.


End file.
